today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
