____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
