call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
