I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
