just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
