is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
