Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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