Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
