My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
