I'm gonna have a badass scar
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
