My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
