You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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