You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
