I just pynch a tree in the face
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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