I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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