He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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