the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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