There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
