idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
