I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
