So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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