sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
