You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
