I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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