this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
