What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
