so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
