If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
