The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
