i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
