Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
