Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
