Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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