Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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