Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
