no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
