so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
