apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Someone signed my nipple.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
