your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
