If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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