i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
