I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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