i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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