My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
