don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
