Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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