so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
