All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
