1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
