I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
