his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
