I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
birth control should be required to get into college
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
