the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
