Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
